This year wasn’t a horrible year. Well, not unless you financed your home with an ARM, drove an SUV the size of a small bus, or got shot by a JSO officer. In that case, you were screwed.
January: Everyone will talk about Heath Ledger’s death for years to come, but let us not forget that January brings us the Stimulus Package. (Eight years later, when I finally received my stimulus check, instead of spending it in order to save the economy’s ass, I paid off my ever-increasing debt in order to save my own ass. I assume 95% of Americans did the same.)
February: The New England Patriots lose. LMAO!!!! I travel to the Charlotte, NC area, realize that I cannot handle temperatures below 65 degrees, and continue to bitch about the cold weather. That is until I blow a tire on the interstate on my way home and find something new to bitch about. Sadly, my boss passes away on February 29th.
March: My other boss passes away on March 4th. No, I’m not kidding. And the world is introduced to Ashlee Dupre. Who cares? Why are we all shocked to learn of a government official taking advantage of his position and getting it on with some PYT? It’s not like he’s the President. Brett Favre retires.
April: I get a new job and immediately start to hate it. Fortunately, I am not hired to be a photographer at the Miley/Billy Ray Cyrus photo shoot. One word: creepy. Better yet: ookie. I spend Easter at the beach with my daughter. Life in Florida is very cool sometimes.
May: My friend DeAnna gives birth to the second-most beautiful baby girl in the world (behind my own, of course). Angelina squeezes out baby #11 and admits that she’s a Duggar. My brother proposes to his girlfriend on Mother’s Day and she says yes. On May 12th, President Bush claims, “I’ll be long gone before some smart person ever figures out what happened inside this Oval Office.” Uh-oh, too late. Hey, where the hell is my stimulus check already?
June: Big Brown does not win the Triple Crown as expected and blames a cracked hoof for his poor performance. Tiger Woods wins the Open and admits he was playing with a stress fracture in his leg and in need of knee surgery. Big Brown wishes he’d come up with a better excuse. I quit smoking, but only after I visit my friend Jessie in Georgia. I have to have one last smoke-a-thon with my best friend.
July: Gas prices rise to nearly $5.00 a gallon (in Florida, at least). The Food Pyramid is immediately revised to reflect Kraft’s Macaroni & Cheese as a food group since it is the only thing Americans can now afford to eat. Oh, and tuna fish. Jacksonville Sheriff’s deputies manage to shoot their 16th suspect, making him the 10th to be killed by JSO officers. Some city residents demand a federal investigation into the shootings. Most city residents advise people to stop doing things that will get you shot by the cops. Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac: losers. Christian Bale in a Batman outfit: freakin’ hot!
August: Bernie Mac dies. Isaac Hayes dies. The Green Bay Packers die. Brett Favre is reincarnated as a quarterback for the New York Jets. John McCain chooses Sarah Palin as his running mate and the whole country learns to how to translate “northern talk” into actual English. I spend the month of August watching the U.S. Women’s Gymnastics Team get pummeled by a bunch of twelve-year old Chinese freaks of nature (did you see that girl’s bar routine!??). Michael Phelps in a speedo: freakin’ hotter than Christian Bale in a Batman outfit.
September: Travis Barker and DJ AM survive a fiery plane crash, Clay Aiken finally comes out of the closet, and Paul Newman dies. I begin reading the Twilight series and become consumed with Bella’s stupidity and Edward’s ability to patiently deal with her. The banking industry begs and pleads for help. So do all the homeowners who are about to lose their homes. Guess who the government likes better? Speaking of the government, - Dude, where the F*** is my stimulus check?!?! Geeez.
October: I finally get my stimulus check and decide to take another road trip to the Charlotte, NC area while gas prices are still below $25.00 a gallon. I finally meet DeAnna’s daughter, Delilah, for the first time, and introduce my daughter to the mountains (which, to real mountain people, are really just big ant hills). My grandmother passes away a week after I return home and I head to South Florida to say goodbye. During my visit, I meet even more relatives and we have the biggest family reunion ever. This makes Grandpa happy.
November: O’Rock is elected the next President. Tina Fey is elected the coolest chick on the planet. Michael Vick is officially recognized in court as a major A-hole. Guns N’ Roses finally release their album and Dr. Pepper goes good on their word to give every American a free Dr. Pepper drink to celebrate the album’s release – 15 years later than originally planned.
December: O.J. Simpson is sentenced to 33 years in prison. Who cares what for? It’s about damn time he went to jail for something. Christmas is minimal this year and this has much to do with the fact that nobody has any money since it was all spent filling up our gas tanks over the summer. Ironically, gas is down to $1.64. And Kraft’s Macaroni & Cheese is down to $.50 at our local Publix. No, I’m not kidding. The NAACP plans to file formal complaints with the US Department of Justice regarding the number of police shootings in the city of Jacksonville. Their argument? That shooting suspects can be a violation of said suspect’s civil rights. It is important to note that the NAACP has not come to the defense of any of the suspect’s alleged victims. Team Jacob? Team Edward? Nah. TEAM JSO!
HAPPY NEW YEAR