Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Happy 80th Birthday, Mrs. Doe

Dear Dennis Norman,

Congratulations on a great season for the Jaguars! I think we're all set for an even greater season this fall.

I'm writing you because March 31st is my mother's 80th birthday. She and us have been solid Jaguars fans ever since we moved here in 1997. It would mean the world to my mother if you sent her a birthday card, even if it's late, that would make her day!!!

Her information is:

Mrs. Jane Doe
10 Main Street
Lake Charles, LA 70605

Thanks so much for considering my request!


Mrs. Doe's daughter
(904) 555-5555

Okay. So my dad's a rock star...of sorts. We get phone calls every so often, people (usually giggly girls) asking if they can speak with NFL Dennis Norman, and groaning in defeated disappointment when they find out my dad isn't the Dennis Norman. He's just my dad. A middle-aged white dude with a normal job, the White Guy Dennis Norman. Not the bohemoth NFL player who likely spends his days crushing bones and cracking skulls. And getting paid phat money to do that.

Nope. Not my dad.

The above letter is the most recent contact my father has made with one of his "fans". Mrs. Doe's daughter wrote that letter with so much hope, an expectation that maybe, just maybe, NFL Dennis Norman would take the time out of his day to send Mrs. Doe a birthday card. Well, my father, White Guy Dennis Norman, actually called Mrs. Doe's daughter to break the news to her. They both had a good laugh and he offered to send her mother a birthday card anyway. He's had a lot of practice at this, what with all the phone calls and all.

Last Christmas, even, we received a package from UPS for Dennis Norman. Our dad, or so we thought. Until we opened the box and found a stash of baby clothes and bottles, nipples and pacifiers. And a cute teething toy. Hey, White Guy Dennis Norman...got something you wanna tell us? This was the first big thing that ever made its way into our lives (beside the phone calls) and we were so trying to take advantage of it once we figured out the package was actually for NFL Dennis Norman. We googled the sender's name and found their phone number. After a few calls, we discovered that NFL Dennis Norman's Auntie had sent some gifts for his new baby. We asked Auntie to have NFL Dennis Norman call White Guy Dennis Norman and arrange for a pickup at our house.

And just like those freaky fans who look up celebrity athletes' phone numbers in the phone book, my whole family waited on our figurative tippy-toes hoping to catch a glimpse of the NFL Dennis Norman (and maybe even the NFL Baby!) when he decided to make a house call and pick up his baby's package from Auntie (that would be such an awesome PR move, dude). A few days later, the doorbell rang!!!

It was UPS. They wanted their package back.

So here's to you, Mrs. Doe! Happy 80th Birthday!!

1 comment:

Chris said...

Just be careful if you start getting packages intended for Matt Jones....hahahaha:)

What? That was funny even if they did already waive him!

And even if we moved to TN, I still want the Jags to kick Tennessee's ass every time they play. We hate Jeff Fisher to this day for calling our stadium the "titan's second home stadium" many years ago.