Saturday, November 28, 2009

MISSING!: An aging woman's desperate tale of losing her mind and her Friskies Party Mix in the Walmart makeup aisle

Elle was finally feeling well enough to leave the house today. She wasn't feeling well enough to travel the 20 minutes to Target, so we had to suck up our pride and go to Wally World. It wasn't entirely horrible.

(I tend to connect all references to Walmart with "It wasn't entirely horrible" only to justify why I stayed, once I actually walked into the place.)

After picking up a digital thermometer, a hairbrush, and a pouch of cat food, we went to the makeup aisle. Elle was responsibly crafty enough to bring with her a notepad, a pen, and a bottle of water - all in her cute little pink purse. This worried me because the display of supplies showed that she had every intention of setting up camp and doing some kind of project.

Oh. We're gonna be here for awhile.

While Elle made a "birthday/Christmas" shopping list that included the makeup item's company/maker, item description, and price, I stayed in the same aisle and looked at face creams. I had nothing better to do, but hey - I'm getting old, I just might learn something.

And here is what I learned:

* I was a cute kid. I never thought about that overpriced face cream crap.
* I was a cute teenager. I wish I would have recognized that back then. Instead, I worried about my hair and my glasses and how I could afford my next pack of Marlboro Lights. I never thought about that overpriced face cream crap.
* I was a cute twenty-something. I never had to work hard to keep myself thin and looking fit. I say "looking fit" because that's exactly it - I looked fit. That doesn't mean I was fit. I started wearing makeup. I never thought about that overpriced face cream crap.
* I was a cute new mom in my mid-twenties. Or, I could have been if I'd stopped crying, screaming, yelling, and carrying a grudge. I suffered from post-partum depression and never thought about that overpriced face cream crap.
* I am in my thirties. I have gray hair and crow's feet. I have a brown splotch on my forehead from the one summer of weekend beach-going during which I was completely slathered in 80 spf waterproof sunscreen. I am constantly thinking about that overpriced face cream crap.

I grabbed a package of Olay Firming Moisturizer. It was on sale for $6.00, which I still believe to be overpriced face cream crap. I have one bottle of Olay cream at home already and I use it around my eyes every morning. Problem is - it's expired.

Or is it?

Seriously, I'm not treating the signs of aging on my face as a medical condition. It's part of my Life Contract under the section called "Getting Old". I didn't have wrinkles until I had children. Same with my gray hair. And I'm not racing to cover those up, either (although, I do have a box of Natural Instincts in dark brown under my bathroom sink).

I put the $6.00 Olay Firming Moisturizer back on the shelf. If anything, it'll give me something to write about when I'm in my forties - one of those "Oh, I should've bought that $6.00 jar of Olay Firming Moisturizer! Look at my wrinkles!!"

However, it's doubtful that I'll even remember that $6.00 bottle of face cream crap. I hardly remember anything these days. Especially because I lost my package of cat food while I was looking at all that face cream crap. Somewhere, within three feet of my daughter (who was still so diligently writing out her list of "makeup must-haves"), I set down the cat food to look at jars of face cream crap. Then I lost it.

I freakin' lost the cat food. A shiny package that screamed the words "Wild West Crunch!" and had a picture of a cat throwing the niblets all over the damn place, about the size of a bag of donuts and totally out of place on the shelf with Burt's Bees. I searched for a good twenty minutes, looking up and down and all around, making sure I didn't put it in my purse or my daughter's purse and getting funny looks from other Wally World shoppers who made the mistake of walking down the makeup aisle as I mumbled, rather loudly, "Where the hell is the cat food!?!?"

And I'm worried about wrinkles? kid should be happy I remembered to bring her home with me.


Laura Lee said...

hee hee!!! It's funnier when someone else does it... I had to laugh thinking of you in the make-up aisle, worriedly exclaiming "where the hell is the cat food?" FUNNY!

Chris said...

My theory is that a Walmart worker walked the aisle and you didn't notice them as you carefully weighed the decision to purchase a $6 jar of face cream and they noticed the cat food out of place and picked it up to restock it. Sounds plausible anyway.

PS: You are a cute 30 something, get over it :)