Thursday, November 26, 2009

Brunswick Strikes Again!

Oh. My. God.

The town of Brunswick still exists, people. I don't know who keeps this running joke afloat, but Elle got even with that place this morning by getting sick all over it. Ha!

And what makes it worse is the one person who had an opportunity to make Elle feel better (besides me, of course!) was the cashier at the gas station where we stopped for a little "clean up", if you will.

Me: Can we have an empty cup, preferably bigger than a coffee cup?
Her: That'll be $1.27.
Me: No, we don't want to get a drink. I need it to make sure my daughter can make it back home alright without being sick all over herself.
Her: That'll be $1.27.
Me: Wow. So it's Thanksgiving and my daughter is sick and you can't spare a cup? One cup? With no ice or soda or anything in it?
Her: It would cost the same if you wanted ice.
Me: I don't want ice. I want NOTHING in the cup. I'm sure it'll get filled soon (har har har!).
Her: I can give you a plastic bag.

Brunswick. Aaaaah, f$%#^$g Brunswick.

I paid my $1.27 and thought it wasteful by the time I made it to my own exit in Jacksonville, 89 miles later, with no further issues. Well, good thing we had that cup. That's all I can really say. The left turn I made to get home didn't do us any favors. But that cup sure did.

Which reminds me - on the way home, after exiting and re-entering I-95 going in the other direction, my daughter asked me to drive slowly so the bumps associated with The Brunswick Infinite Construction Project didn't make her tummy hurt even more. So I did. Folks, I drove 60 miles an hour. I didn't know I was even capable of that. And the world looks strangely hectic from the slow lane...all that merging going on and dumbasses with trash flying out of their pickup trucks. And sewer grates. Lots and lots of sewer grates.

Elle: What are those? I've never seen those anywhere but here.
Me: Those, my dearest daughter, are the portals to Hell. Because Brunswick was apparently constructed over Hell itself.
Elle: (giggles)
Me: What's so funny? Hell isn't funny. That's why we have to hurry up and get out of this town. It's Hell on Earth.
Elle: We shouldn't ever drive through here again!
Me: Smells funny, yeah?
Elle: (pointing to the paper mill just east of I-95) Is that the Fart Factory? 'Cause that's what this town smells like.

So, to end it all on a nice note, I present to you:

THINGS I AM THANKFUL FOR

1. I do not live in Brunswick.
2. That my parents were able to go to my brother's apartment in South Carolina (in my place) and that they made a second turkey for us here at home.
3. I have pie.
4. I am no longer in a moving vehicle with the A/C blasting to keep the little one feeling well enough to continue living. That was flippin' COLD!
5. My house is warm.
6. I live in Florida. Florida is warm(er than anywhere else I could be today).
7. Forgotten cookies.
Choco chip forgotten cookies   2007xmas Pictures, Images and Photos
8. A beautiful daughter who is still worried about everyone else while her head's in a bucket.
9. Redbox. Thank You (insert higher being's name here) for Redbox.
10. 32 ounce styrofoam cups.
styro cup 2 Pictures, Images and Photos

3 comments:

Damon said...

Awesome!

Chris said...

OK, I only had to read the title and I already know I'm in for traffic and something redneckish. Now back to read.

Chris said...

Ok, I wasn't far off. Shitty roads is close enough to traffic and the clerk, well, not exactly limited to redneck, but I imagined a deep "Deliverance" accent reading the dialogue.

Elle rocks with the "fart factory" line.