"With Swine Flu on the Rise, Should We Stop Shaking Hands?"
Are we really a bunch of pansies? I've been a nailbiter my whole life (I'm currently in recovery, but much like alcoholism and gas huffing, it's an addiction I struggle with daily (not that I have an alcohol or gas huffing problem, it's just a comparison!)), so sticking my fingers in my mouth after touching God-knows-what has probably made me immune to...well, alot of things, one of which I hope is this piggy flu. But seriously, this will surely support my argument for not hugging strangers when I actually go to church on holidays.
"Heidi, Spencer Avoid Swine Flu on Honeymoon"
Well, ain't that a crying shame? I wonder what kind of photos this pair is going to sell off after Honeymoon #2 (or is it #3?..I can't keep track anymore). Besides, Mother Nature might be trying to tell those two crazy kids a thing or two. Like, GET OUT. A killer virus and an earthquake since they've been in the country? The good news is that by the time Speidi returns to the United States, it will be the peak of tornado season and she'll decide to film her new music video in the heart of Oklahoma at 4 o'clock in the afternoon directly underneath one of those supercells. Not that I'm wishing death and destruction on the people of Oklahoma (Hello! to my good friends Tanya and Matt!), but they should really consider taking one for the team.
"Woman Claims Her Father Was Zodiac Killer"
Why is she coming forward? Oh, she's making a documentary. I hate people like this.
"'Jon & Kate': Jon Gosselin says photo of him with another woman 'showed poor judgment on my part'"
Say whaaaaat?! You know, Jon Gosselin could be the reincarnate of the Zodiac Killer and I'd still love the guy. My favorite episode ever? One of the six little ones loses a ball and it goes bouncing down the road. Jon goes to chase it and jokingly comments, "I'd keep running but I can't afford the child support." Meanwhile, the little one asks Kate, "Is Daddy coming back?" to which Kate replies, "Daddy is smart enough to not run away from home while we're all watching." I want them to adopt me.
"Starbucks Profits Decline by 77%"
Ok, I admit that ever since I've had to hand over my life savings and every penny earned since 2006 to my Gainesville-based lawyer, my visits to Starbucks have been cut in half. I refuse, absolutely refuse, to take responsibility for this loss. The baristas at my local Starbucks know my name and have a one in three shot at guessing which beverage I'm about to order. So, I will not take the blame for this. Although I did choose Taco Bell over Starbucks last night because I was hungry...but now I'm remembering that a body can't survive on just food alone. Wow, I really screwed this one up. Sorry, coffee drinkers...I'm so sorry. I'm going to Starbucks right now.