Twilight...it's only just begun

I was watching the ABC Evening News tonight when they did a story about all this Twilight fandemonium. Teenage girls were screaming and clawing and squealing and crying and just acting...well, like teenage girls! They were camped outside of movie theaters and wearing Twilight t-shirts and shrieking at the very thought of Edward Cullen (I'll get to him later).

It reminded me nothing of the night Interview With A Vampire was released. I remember that night, standing in a very quiet line at a movie theater in Alexandria, Virginia, with the Creepy Dude behind me all dressed in black and wearing those batshit crazy contact lenses. He would sometimes smile at me and flash his pearly whites, filed down to a point to maximize his freakishness.

Creepy Dude, I wanted to tell him, it's just a story, a book series, a movie, for God's sake! But I was afraid he'd bite me and I would never be able to explain that one to my parents. Especially since they already thought I had an unhealthy attachment to the Anne Rice novels because I talked about the vampire Armando like we were high school buddies. But I went to therapy for other reasons and I'm fine now.

Anyway, these girls at the Twilight opening looked so young, so innocent, so...happy. I don't remember seeing girls like that at the Interview premiere. I know I wasn't like that only because I was afraid of bumping into Creepy Dude or accidentally inviting him somehow into my personal space. I didn't see any Creepy Dudes on ABC News tonight. Or Creepy Girls, for that matter. And then it dawned on me...

Twilight gives its audience a double-dose of puppy love by promoting the obvious Edward/Bella love story, but also by promoting the Robert Pattinson/teenage-girls-all-across-America love story. It's a sure hit. And it's not fair! Interview didn't give us any of that! Instead, we got the Louis/Lestat love story and had to read about a little girl named Claudia whine her way through the entire book by constantly pitting her two caretakers against each other and smashing her porcelain dolls. At least Edward didn't run off and start a stupid rock band.

The point is, there was no innocence in Interview With A Vampire. And now I'm so missing out on this Twilight deal!

Here's the problem: I stopped reading the series after book 3. I just got tired of Bella throwing herself into obvious deathtraps. I got tired of Edward bossing Bella around all the time and treating her like a retard. I got tired of Bella using Jacob to make Edward jealous. I got tired of Jacob putting Bella in a corner. I got tired of Edward and Jacob competing with each other for Bella's affection when Bella isn't all that bright to begin with. I mean, she is absolutely sure she wants to commit to immortality but isn't quite sure who she's in love with. She's barely 18 and can't remember to close her windows at night to keep that crazy-as-all-get-out Victoria away!

Figure your shit out, girl!

So...with all this Twilight craziness afoot, I'm 78.3% sure I will get my hands on book 4 (apparently, millions of people have a copy and I'm sure I know one of them who will lend it to me) because I hate being left out.

P.S. Bella ~ please die one way or another. Your shenanigans exhaust me and I don't think I can take it if there is to be a book 5. Besides, too many nights were spent reading about you instead of going to sleep at a decent hour. I'm still convinced, however, that my lack of sleep has less to do with my Twilight exhaustion than your inability to use common sense. At least I still have The Lost Boys.